Thursday, May 03, 2007

The following is from my daily journal that I kept while Brent was at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

I arrived in his room at 8:45 am. The nurse was feeding him a little breakfast. He had eaten a little bit of egg and drank some milk. I hadn't missed the doctors rounds.

Brent was always wondering when I'd make it to the hospital. I would tell him that I had to take care of myself and I insisted that I get a good nights sleep. I would wake up when I needed to. Our youngest two children and I had moved to Baltimore, MD so that I could be Brent's caregiver while he was at Johns Hopkins Hospital. We were in a strange city and for a long time didn't know anyone. I had to leave my children alone in the apartment every day. I would visit with him everyday, but had to leave time for the children too.

At 9:00 am the doctors came into the room. The doctor walked over to me and knelt down in front of me.

I instantly knew it wasn't going to be good news. Brent and I had hoped that things would turn out the way we wanted them to. He had accepted his diagnosis with the determination to do his part and leave it up to God to take him home or to leave him here with me and the children. He said he was ready either way. Brent told me early on during his illness that he hadn't ask God "why" this time. He had ask God "why" when our still birth daughter,Katie, was born. This time he didn't ask "why", because God had told him, "I Am".

"Mrs. Davis", said Dr. Huff". "Mrs. Davis, Mr. Davis' leukemia has come back, and there is nothing we can do for him. He has 2-3 days left."

There was a flood of emotions that swept over me. There were several other doctors in the room. They were all looking at me with sorrow on their faces. I wondered what my face looked like to them. Were they expecting me to faint, to fall apart, to scream, to start crying? I wanted to be brave and in command of my faculties. The hope that I had had all these months was gone. Just like that, my husband was going to die. It was a shock to hear those words. My knees went weak, even though I was sitting, my stomach started churning and tears welled up in my eyes.

I looked at the doctor and said, "Oh, my. I don't think I can tell him because I might cry. You'll have to tell him."

We went to his bedside. I was standing next to her with my hand on Brent's hand. "Mr. Davis"?, she said softly and with compassion. He looked directly into her eyes. "Your leukemia has come back and there's nothing we can do." "There's nothing you can do?", Brent said. "No, Mr. Davis, there's nothing we can do." With acceptance and knowing that God had chosen to take him Brent said, "Well, okay then." I ask him if he was afraid. His response was, "I don't know."

I called his parents first, my oldest daughter at work, and then my sister. I sat with him for awhile. Rhonda, the chaplain, came in and prayed with me and for Brent. Now, I had to go back to the apartment and tell my children Samuel, age 14 and Abigail, age 8 that their father wasn't going to live. Telling them that, was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Tae Kwon Do Testing, July 25, 2008

Abigail and I with our new belts. I earned my orange belt and Abigail earned her brown belt. Here we are with our instructors, Lily Wiggins, 4th degree black belt and Brody Wiggins, 5th degree black belt.

Abigail was really excited about receiving her brown belt. She has 5 more belts and she'll be a black belt.

I have a long way to go, but I'll get there. I certainly feel more confident than when I began.

Exciting Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow, Thursday, will be an exciting day in the Davis household. We're getting new windows for the whole house. My father built this house in 1960. He used whatever was the cheapest thing he could buy. He installed jalousie windows which are glass slats. They are loose, most of the storm windows and screens are gone. Most of the handles are broken so I have had to open them from the outside. This winter I covered them with plastic and taped them up with some kind of silver tape my brother-in-law gave me. Now, I will have a modern update, screens on all the windows, they fold down for easy cleaning and there are no grids to obstruct my view. I will be able to open the windows from inside the house when it's a cool day.

All day I've been getting the house ready by moving things that were in front of the windows, plus just everyday cleaning. I plan on taking lots of photos tomorrow and will share them with you tomorrow night.

MySpace

On June 01, 2008 I posted about MySpace, Facebook, Blogs and Carepages. It is listed under the label "Daily Life". I was setting up my "MySpace page" and wondering if I would like it. It's great. I've gotten used to it and find that I check it everyday to see what my friends are up to. Most certainly personal phone calls and handwritten letters are the very best way of communicating. But, in today's world electronic communication is where it's at. If you are older I encourage you to set up a MySpace page. Don't be afraid of the unknown.


Check out my MySpace page at:
http://www.myspace.com/HelenCurrieDavis

Doug and Jo

God is awesome. He does hear the cries of the widow. I was feeling teary eyed for a couple of days and needed someone to converse with. There are friends I can call, but I was busy and the timing was never right.

You remember that I wrote about going to the dealership on Tuesday to have the cam sensor replaced. After I left the dealership I had intended to go straight home. I was driving down the highway and looked over to my left and noticed Scottie's hair salon. It was then I decided to get a haircut. When I walked in the young lady at the counter said I would have to wait at least an hour and a half. I was willing to wait. She asked me if I had any errands to run. No, I had my Route 44 Cherry Limeade and my book. I would sit and wait for the first available hair dresser.

I sat down and was getting comfortable and taking in all the activity in the salon. Scottie was with a customer, there were some ladies getting color while others were getting cuts. In the corner I noticed Barry, a hair dresser, talking with someone. Barry had cut Brent's hair for several years and he also cuts Samuel's hair. Brent had conversations with Barry about his leukemia. It was Barry who offered a gift from Scottie's hair salon for the Brent-A-Fit fundraiser for Brent. As Barry and this other fellow talked I heard a familiar voice. I looked at this fellow and realized I knew him. I waited for a break in their conversation. I asked him is your name Doug? I introduced myself and he remembered me. I had not seen Doug and his wife Jo, for over 20 years. Jo was the customer having her hair done by Scottie.

Doug asked how Brent was doing. He had not heard about Brent's death. I gave him a quick overview of the circumstances surrounding Brent's diagnosis, treatment and death. Doug shared about the death of his father. Doug shared many Bible verses with me and consoled me. We talked for about 30 minutes. I asked Doug where he and Jo were living. They live about 35 minutes from here. Jo has been having her haircut at Scotties for many years. What are the chances that I would see them at Scottie's?

You may say it was fate or coincidence. I say, it was God hearing my cries for someone to talk with.

A Little Change Is A Good Thing

I took the truck to the dealership this morning. I had received a notice from Ford about a recall on the cam sensor. The sensor was causing trucks to stop in their tracks. Just stop right where you were. This first happened to us on our way back from Nashville in February 2006. We were less than 50 miles outside of Nashville. We had the truck towed all the way home. Since then it has happened 3 other times. Oh, I'm so glad they figured that one out!

I left the dealership with the intention of driving straight home. I looked to the left and saw Scottie's, a very popular hair salon in town. I decided to stop. I had just about had it with my hair. I sat looking in all the books for the perfect hairstyle. I couldn't decide and figured I would leave it to the experts. I had told Mary, the young lady at the appointment desk I would take the first available hair dresser. Finally, it was my turn. Mary had me come over for the shampoo. Oh my! It felt so wonderful to have someone shampoo my hair. I didn't want to get up. She had me sit at Scottie's station. He was really wonderful. He told me what he was going to do and why he was doing it. I love the cut and it feels great on my head. It shows off my gray nicely. The before photos were taken by another customer and the after photos by Scottie.

Another Emotional Day

Monday was another emotional day. I was teary eyed all day. What's up with that? Were my hormones playing tricks on me? I seemed to have a tissue in my hand all day.

A good nights sleep and a bright morning have cleared my mind. I do believe I was feeling sorry for myself. I had dreaded Monday because I was going to have to take care of something that Brent would have taken care of. Last Tuesday Samuel and I were set to mow the yard and weed eat. Samuel showed me how to put the string on the weed eater. By the way that weed eater is a large heavy Stihl that Brent used for his lawn business. It's so heavy and I have to really push hard on the handle to make it go. Samuel got on the mower and it would not start. It was deader that a door nail. I told Samuel just to go on in the house. I started weed eating. I was struggling with that monster of a weed eater, but I was destroying those weeds. It ran out of fuel. I put some more in it and started again. Low and behold, the weeder eater engine was running but it was turning on the end. I went and got Samuel so he could fix it. I had broken the handle! Argh! I guess you might be wondering why I just didn't have Samuel weed eat. I like to weed eat, I want to learn to be the master of the weed eater, and I need to learn all about how to take care of my property.

I let the whole week go by while I pondered on what I wanted to do. I finally decided to take the mower battery and the weed eater to Small Engines in town. I left the weed eater to be fixed and they were out of batteries so I went to the auto store. There was some rain yesterday which made me realize I needed new windshield wipers. The last time I bought a windshield wiper I couldn't figure out how it went on there. I taped it on with black electrical tape! It worked. I asked the guy at the auto store if he would put them on for me 'cause I didn't know how to do it. He was happy to do it. I told him my husband had passed away and that it used to take care of those things. He told me he understood. His father had passed away and his mother was in the same position. So, things should be looking better. The weed eater is being fixed, I have a new battery for the mower and the new windshield wipers are great.

I had some more time before Tae Kwon Do so I decided to stop by the Ford dealership. There was a recall on the cam sensor for my make and model of truck. They told me I could come in anytime. I also wanted to have the alarm removed from the truck. It's a pain and doesn't work properly. My remote is about shot and I wonder where will I be when it finally gives out. I put a new battery in it, but that didn't solve the problem.

Brent took care of the outside things including the yard, maintenance of the mower and truck, trimming weeds and trees etc., etc., etc. Yesterday I realized how much I missed him. I don't like taking care of those things. I want to get in the truck and go where I need to go and not worry about whether or not it needs fixin'. Well, that's just to bad Helen! Pull yourself together and just get it done. Quit feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm not going cross country in a covered wagon, trying to build a new life in a new territory on the prairie, and plowing the fields for sustenance. But, I do feel like a pioneer in my little world. I have 22 acres that I must think about. The 2000 square feet or so I live in is not all that I must take care of. I'm not about to give up what's been in my family for over 60 years. I have friends, male and female, who have never married. They are doing just fine. I have to get over the fact that I must now take care of things that Brent used to take care of. There is more to my life than cooking, cleaning, blogging, photography, TV and genealogy. I'm acting like a spoiled brat. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He does hear the cries of the widow.

My mind keeps remembering what Mr. Payne of Small Engines told me yesterday. "Come on up here and I'll have Lisa take you in the back and show you how to work on your mower and weed eater". His daughter was a hairdresser. She wasn't earning enough money so she ask her Dad if he would teach her about small engines. She's been doing it for 20 years. I'd be a fool not to take advantage of that offer.

Okay, I feel better now. Thank you for reading. I feel encouraged and hope that you do too. Ladies, if your husband takes the time to show you how to do something, pay attention and thank him for showing you how. Shame on me for letting things go in one ear and out the other!

Loss of Loved Ones

Sunday I went to the viewing for the son of one of my bluegrassin' friends. I've been to several funerals and viewings since Brent's death. On the drive from home to the funeral I always contemplate the losses I have experienced and how their lives affected mine. Today was harder than most. A young man of only 34, Bobby was a son, brother, husband, and father. My heart is burdened for his wife and two young sons. I wish I could take away their pain and sorrow, but know that only God's grace and the love and support from their family and friends will see them through the tough weeks and months ahead.

Growing up in a Southern Baptist Church funerals were a common occurrence. I attended many funerals. But, it was not until the death of my maternal grandmother, Reba Sally Shirley Berry, that I felt a personal loss. I was only 12 and was at the doctor's office when the call came that she had died. I cried and let out all my tears that day. Twelve years later, in 1978, my maternal grandfather, Woodall O'Kuykendall Berry, died. He had lived with us 10 years and the last year of his life I didn't visit. He didn't know anyone and was curled in a fetal position that last year. I didn't want to be around him. I cried tears of guilt for not visiting him.

My mother, Shirley May Berry Currie, died in 1993. This was the first time I experienced the deep and sorrowful death of someone I loved dearly. A brain aneurysm had put her in ICU for 4 months. I couldn't believe my mother was gone. I cried for months for the loss of my mother, the one who nursed me as an infant, who cared for me and loved me. I missed not being able to call her for a recipe or tell her about the bird I just saw on the bird feeder. I missed touch her.

Katherine Irene Shirley Davis, our "Katie" was still born December 28, 1996. Her life had been in my womb. She never knew the sorrows and heartaches of this world.

My father, Joe Monroe Currie, Sr. died November 10, 2006. I haven't shed a tear, not one tear for my father. He was a great father, dependable, open minded, thoughtful, and yet stoic. When you read about Zeno of Citium, the Greek philosopher, you learn that his belief was that a wise man is free from passion and indifferent to grief or joy. Daddy's middle name should have been "austere". I loved him and honored him by being his caregiver until his death. He and I were complete opposites that is until his death. It was then that I was stoic about his death.

Six months following Daddy's death Brent died on May 05, 2007. You can read my other post about my loss of Brent.

Today I was thinking of all of them, remembering what each one had meant to me. What happens after you die? My faith says you will go to heaven or hell. But, what happens to those who are left behind? What will they remember about you? You were a great parent but not a wonderful mother or father. Are your loved ones left wondering how they are going to go on with life without you? Are there unresolved issues that your family will wonder about? Did you leave a godly heritage for your children? Has your family been taken care of financially?

The loved ones you leave behind will go on with their lives, make decisions for themselves, find jobs, and marry again. What is left? There will be memories of good and bad times, some papers and photos and a few personal items they have decided to keep.

Live each day as if it were your last, tell your loved ones how much you love them and how important they are to you. When you wake in the morning thank the Lord for His lovingkindness in giving you another day to be with them. Make memories that will last them the rest of their lives.

Red-bellied Woodpecker Melanerpes carolinus

On Mother's Day this year I treated myself to some birdwatching items that included bird feeders, black oil sunflower seeds and thistle seeds. It was nearly a week before the birds started coming to the feeder. What a treat is was to see them come. My first visitors were Titmouse and Chickadee.

This photo of a Red-bellied Woodpecker was taken on Wednesday, June 11, 2008. The video is of a fledging Red-bellied Woodpecker. I have seen the parents feeding the fledging. What a treat to see this happening.

You can visit http://www.enature.com/fieldguides to learn more.

Green Treefrog Hyla cinerea

Friday, June 13, 2008 I had a tree frog visit our patio window. I was able to take several photos of him and listen to him croak. He visited for nearly an hour. He kept me company while I was unloading the dishwasher.

I enjoy these moments of nature. They are small treasures that always give me pleasure. I hope you'll have one visit you.

Click on the blog post title: Green Treefrog to learn more about this little tree frog.

What's For Dinner?

After watching cooking shows all day, Abigail was ready to have dinner. She wanted to make some crackers. I couldn't find the recipe I had in mind so we settled on Cheese Straws. Instead of making straws I had her roll them out very thin and cut into squares. They were delicious. We decided to share in the preparation of dinner. Abigail made the meatloaf and vinaigrette for the salad. I made the spinach salad and the candied carrots.

Abigail wanted to make the vinaigrette and use the herbs from our patio garden. She chose sage, parsley and rosemary. She added extra virgin olive oil, balsamic vinegar, a pinch of sugar and blended it in the blender. It was a nice flavor over the spinach, red onion, red bell pepper, tomatoe, Swiss cheese, cheddar cheese and Parmesan cheese. Those cheese straw crackers were really good with the salad.

The meatloaf was served with cream of mushroom soup. It was a great meal.

Cooking

Abigail and I watched the Food Network's, "The Next Food Network Star" marathon today. The contestants have been tested not only on their ability to prepare and cook food, but also on their knowledge of food, presentation, marketing skills, ability to cook anywhere and to show why they should be the next Food Network Star. Gosh, I couldn't make it as a Food Network Star! To much pressure for me. For years I've been the star of my own cooking show, "Momma's Home Cooking at Home". Like most of you I am my family's favorite cook.

I started cooking when I was eleven. My mother taught me to make homemade pie crust, to use fresh apples from the tree, and mace was the spice my mother used in her apple pies. By the time I was thirteen I had made Thanksgiving Dinner with all the homemade pies, cakes, ham and turkey with dressing and side dishes. I met Brent and started cooking for him. He liked all kinds of foods and would always ask me, "Can you make ______? Is it hard to make?" Cooking is not hard, some things just take a little more time to prepare. I enjoyed cooking for him. He appreciated my cooking and would certainly let me know if it wasn't my best.

He loved biscuits and I tried all our married life to get that RIGHT biscuit. I never could. Oh, they were pretty good and I never had to throw them out. Of all the biscuits I've ever eaten I will say the blue ribbon winner of biscuit making is my friend, Trina Pearl. Her biscuits are light and flaky and so yummy.

For many years Brent hunted and fished. I've cooked squirrel, coon, dove, deer and elk ( a gift from a neighbor) and different fresh water fish. We went the whole foods route where I made whole wheat bread from wheat berries that I would grind with my mill. We bought organic foods, had our own vegetable garden, raised rabbits for meat, chickens for eggs and goats for milk. We tried all kinds of diets. The Atkins diet, Whole Wheat Bread and Potato diet, Mediterranean diet, Low fat diets, Suzanne Somers and many more.

Food was always an experience in the Davis household. Even when Brent was in the hospital receiving chemo and radiation treatments he was thinking about food. Chemo takes over a person's whole body. While destroying the cancer in our bodies the mind becomes confused, slow to remember the simplest things and destroys our sense of smell and taste. Brent was repulsed by the smell of styrofoam cups, straws, hand washing soap, hand sanitizer, and body lotions and perfume. Most days simple things were usually a hostile encounter for Brent leaving him to reject sources of nutrition.

It is common for patients who are going through chemo to be deeply entertained by cooking shows. They long for they can't have and so they watch TV and read about food. Brent couldn't get enough of cooking shows. He talked about all of the foods he would cook when we got back home. Of the four months we were in Baltimore at Johns Hopkins Hospital he was at the apartment for a total of about 3 weeks. One afternoon he was watching one of Paula Deen's cooking shows. She was making salmon patties and had used saltine crackers to roll the patties in before frying. He asked me to make him some just like the ones Paula made. They really hit the spot for him. The week he was at the apartment I made them three different times.

I never would have thought that my interest in cooking would have changed with Brent's death. I've found my enthusiasm for cooking has left me. Breakfast and lunch are individual choices for all of us. Occasionally I will make a big breakfast for Samuel's enjoyment. Abigail enjoys non-breakfast foods in the morning. Dinner is always a hot meal made from scratch. Abigail has become interested in cooking and will very often prepare dinner.

Subscribing To My Blog

I added a new feature to my blog. In the right hand column you can see "Subscribe To" my blog. Click and make your choice. It is linked to Google, Bloglines, Netvibes, Newsgator, Yahoo and Atom.

If you enjoy reading my blog and get tired of coming back and seeing there is no new post, this might be thing for you. I'm always coming up with ideas for my blog, but never seem to get around to writing what's on my mind.

Metal Detecting

In the late 1800's scientist and engineers were using their knowledge of electrical theory to invent a machine that would pinpoint metal. In 1937 Gerhard Fisher was granted a patent for a metal detector. In the early years of World War II a Polish officer, Lt. Josef Stanislaw Kosacki, refined Fisher's design for practical use. After WW II there was a surplus of detectors on the market which were being bought by relic hunters. Thus began metal detecting as a hobby.

Friday, June 27, 2008 was an exciting day in my front yard. My cousin Becki's husband, Tom, likes to metal detect. Since their first visit last year he has wanted to come back and metal detect. My parents bought the property in 1943 before metal detectors were available for the general public. Knowing that this property was virgin territory was very exciting for Tom. Abigail and I were both very interested in learning what it was all about.

Friday morning while I was visiting my hospice patient, Tom was in my front yard with his White's 6000 metal detector. The detector beeped indicating there was something between a penny and an aluminum pop top. He begin to dig the spot not knowing what he would find. He brushed off the dirt and realized he had a button. He brought it into the house to get a better look. He could see the eagle on the front, the letter "I" in the center. It was a Union Civil War button! I was thrilled. I'm ready to research this property to find out more about the people who lived here years ago.


My sister Grace told me that one of her former neighbors had told her there used to be a fort here. I called the neighbor to hear the story from him. Fort Harris was an encampment just down the road. When he comes to visit at Thanksgiving he will show me where it used to be, including the confederate graves.

The back of the button (image below from the web) had lettering on it. We looked around on the web and found who the maker of the button was. You can visit the following site to see the description:
http://www.relicman.com/backHorstmannA.htm, look for HorstmannA10 var (21mm) about half way down the page.