A Brief Moment

He walked up to the door wearing a blue jacket the color of his favorite basketball team. As he pulls open the door he turns slightly in my direction. We wave a friendly hello. We have both come to pick up our children from the lockin. He stands just inside the door, not venturing very far. He's looking for his children. Many of the children are in the back room where they've been watching a movie or have been climbing the rock wall. They come pouring out of the room, some of them are walking, while others run. I see his children come out of the back room. It's his little girl that I see first. She's so cute wearing her red outfit of stripped red and white pants and a red top. Her blond curls are pulled back in a small pony tail on top, while the rest of her hair is down. She stops for a moment at the desk and then starts up again. Daddy and daughter see one another. She runs to him with a sweet smile on her face. He bends down, ready to grab her up into his arms. There's a brief conversation as he picks her up. She's so happy to see her Daddy. I smile at this brief moment in time that only took a couple of minutes. A moment where the details will be forgotten, but the feelings of love and security will remain with her.

These are the moments when I miss Brent the most. There is no more chance to make memories. We must remember the ones we have. Make memories with your loved ones. You'll cherish them when they are gone.

Depression

Loneliness and depression cling to me like a straight jacket. I fight it and it doesn't go away. Loneliness burdens my soul, longing for that which was. I've been feeling this way for about 6 weeks.

I remember a conversation I had with my Daddy years ago. I was single and was lonely. I had lots of friends and plenty of activities. Daddy told me there was a difference between being lonely and being alone. I don't mind being alone. I enjoy my company, I like the person I am, the person God created me to be. Daddy suggested I go to church and become involved in a singles ministry. I didn't take his advice. Instead, I fell in love with Brent and we got married. The feelings of being lonely were gone. I had someone to share my thoughts with, someone to love me for who I was, someone who was proud of me. We helped each other with our weaknesses and used our strengths to be what we would become. Now, I'm feeling that lonely feeling again after all these years.

Brent has been gone nearly 18 months. I've gone on with my life making decisions by myself, caring for our children, and finding new ways to give purpose to my life. I have grieved the loss of my dearest Brent. I have believed that I breezed through my grief. Give me an A+. Brent and I talked about his death, our acceptance of what God had planned for our lives. Neither Brent or myself felt anger towards God. One of us had to be the first to go. There is a purpose for each of us and when that purpose is finished we go home to eternity.

There are several stages of grief: shock or disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance/hope. Not everyone experiences all of these and they can occur in any order. I'm stuck on depression. If you have noticed I haven't written on my blog in quite awhile. I haven't wanted to write anything. I've been going through the motions of life. I've been volunteering at hospice, caring for Sam and Abigail, feeding the animals, Tae Kwon Do occasionally, Mother's Dinners, family dinners at my in-laws, watching Anna and Mike built a fence and barn for Anna's horse, and remodeling projects around the house. Most of the time I stare at the TV watching HGTV, doing laundry by washing the same load over and over again 'cause I can't seem to take it out of the washer to put in the dryer! I think of things I'd like to do such as write on my blog, fix up those shadow boxes for Brent, Momma and Daddy, scan photos, do genealogy, make scrapbooks, go through all my mail that's piling up, write letters (the real ones written in long hand and sent through the United States Postal Service) to the young service men I know, notes of encouragement to people who come to my mind, and to read my Bible and renew my mind in God's word. Do you imagine that I am dressed in my housecoat crying my eyes out all day? Well, the answer to that would be no. Being a happy person 95% of the time I wouldn't want anyone to know I'm depressed. But, I must face depression head on and tell you, my reader, that I am depressed. There is no shame in admitting it to you. I actually feel better. I can't count the number of times I've started to write about my feelings and could not get past one sentence.

My depression always shows in how I keep house. Right now, this very moment, my house is a wreck. Clutter everywhere, dishes all over the kitchen counters, bed unmade, laundry piled high, unopened mail and I haven't had a shower today. Most of the time my depression would not allow to me indulge in writing. I would feel guilty about writing and having a messy house. So, I would stop writing and then do nothing about the house. I don't like being depressed and am determined to walk, talk and write myself out of it with your help. Your help? Yes, you. You are helping me, by reading what I write.

My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud; my voice rises to God, and He will hear me. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord; in the night my hand was stretched out without weariness; my soul refused to be comforted. When I remember God, then I am disturbed; When I sigh, then my spirit grows faint. Selah. You have held my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I have considered the days of old, the years of long ago. I will remember my song in the night; I will meditate with my heart, and my spirit ponders: Will the Lord reject forever? And will He never be favorable again? Has His lovingkindness ceased forever? Has His promise come to an end forever? Has God forgotten to be gracious, or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion? Selah. Then I said, "It is my grief, that the right hand of the Most High has changed." I shall remember the deeds of the LORD; surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will meditate on all Your work and muse on Your deeds. Your way, O God, is holy; What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; You have made known Your strength among the peoples. You have by Your power redeemed Your people, The sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah. The waters saw You, O God; The waters saw You, they were in anguish; The deeps also trembled. The clouds poured out water; The skies gave forth a sound; Your arrows flashed here and there. The sound of Your thunder was in the whirlwind; The lightnings lit up the world; the earth trembled and shook. Your way was in the sea and Your paths in the mighty waters, and Your footprints may not be known. You led Your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron. Psalm 77

I am sustained by God's mercies. It is His strength which provides a solid rock for me to stand upon. When I am quite I hear His voice. Cease striving and know that I am God; Psalm 46:10a
I'm not the only one who has lost a loved one. There have been several of my friends who have lost a spouse/mother/father since Brent's death. I hope that in some way what I have written and the scripture that I have shared will speak to their hearts.
Behold the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hoped in Thee. Psalm 33:18-22.

You can't have joy without sorrow, or highs without lows. Depression, even for those who are not grieving the loss of a loved one, can isolate us and make us all feel lonely. Encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today"....Hebrews 3:13.

I miss Brent's daily presence in my life, but am thankful for the wonderful memories he left behind.

Here are some quotes for you:
“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate”, Germaine Greer

People who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about. Author: Anton Checkov

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

“Living the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causes you to bump into people not going your way”
Edna Ferber quotes (American novelist, short-story writer, and playwright 1887-1968)

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. Author: Vincent Van Gogh

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

A human life is a story told by God. ~Hans Christian Andersen

To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die. ~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains. ~Kahlil Gibran

Good-night! good-night! as we so oft have said
Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days
That are no more, and shall no more return.
Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed;
I stay a little longer, as one stays
To cover up the embers that still burn.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity. ~William Penn

Helen Currie Davis
Monday, November 03, 2008

Friday, May 04, 2007

The following is from my daily journal that I kept while Brent was at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

It's 2:30 pm Friday afternoon. There is a Bible verse that comes to my mind. God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

The facts are that Brent has been in Baltimore, Maryland for 116 days. I've been here 114 days. Samuel and Abigail have been here 97 days. Brent has been in this hospital room for this hospitalization for 50 days. He has been in the bed unable to get out and stand on his own two feet for 35 days. It has been 42 days since his bone marrow transplant.

I'm sitting here watching Nurse Rick care for Brent. So much has happened in the last 28 hours. It will take awhile to write it all, but I will get all my thoughts down.

So many have called in the last 24 hours. I have called so many. Some of those who have called are Dianna, Royal, Sharon, Grace, Ramona, Anna, Granny (Brent's mother), Matt and Todd. There are many more I just can't remember them all.

8:25 pm, I'm in the room with Brent. I left around 5:30 pm and came back about 7:30 pm. He's resting. Jeannie and Matt called. Nurse John will be here in a little bit to give him some medicine to help him sleep.

Today at one point he wanted to get up and go home. He has said that every once in awhile during his hospital stay.

8:35 pm, Nurse John gave Brent some Adavan to help him rest. He has been moaning and groaning some. He did grimace some too. He's not in pain, just uncomfortable.

Daneen just came in. Her parents want to visit with Brent. They'll come in about 20 minutes.

8:40 pm, Nurse John came in and set up a morphine drip. Brent will get a smidgen of morphine through an IV.

8:45 pm, It's very sad that Brent must leave this world and yet I should be happy that he will be going home to Jesus. Brent will be singing praises to Jesus everyday. There has been such and out pouring of love and support from all of our friends. It would have been wonderful for Brent to die at home or at least in Tennessee.

Brent and I talked over the years about which one of us would die first. It would be hard for both of us but, Brent would always say, "I just couldn't go on without you. I wouldn't know what to do." On the other hand I could see a life after his death. Oh, I will miss him. I hope I will make him proud about the decisions I make down the road. I've always said i would NOT want to marry again. That's up to God if I do, but I'd rather stay single, finish raising Samuel and Abigail, and work on my genealogy.

9:00 pm, Brent's sister Debbie called. She wanted to call back tomorrow. I told her no, talk to him now, don't put it off, say all the things you want to say.

Daneen and Robert and Daneen's parents, Bob and Jan, came in a little after 9 pm. We all gathered around Brent's bed while Bob prayed.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

The following is from my daily journal that I kept while Brent was at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

I arrived in his room at 8:45 am. The nurse was feeding him a little breakfast. He had eaten a little bit of egg and drank some milk. I hadn't missed the doctors rounds.

Brent was always wondering when I'd make it to the hospital. I would tell him that I had to take care of myself and I insisted that I get a good nights sleep. I would wake up when I needed to. Our youngest two children and I had moved to Baltimore, MD so that I could be Brent's caregiver while he was at Johns Hopkins Hospital. We were in a strange city and for a long time didn't know anyone. I had to leave my children alone in the apartment every day. I would visit with him everyday, but had to leave time for the children too.

At 9:00 am the doctors came into the room. The doctor walked over to me and knelt down in front of me.

I instantly knew it wasn't going to be good news. Brent and I had hoped that things would turn out the way we wanted them to. He had accepted his diagnosis with the determination to do his part and leave it up to God to take him home or to leave him here with me and the children. He said he was ready either way. Brent told me early on during his illness that he hadn't ask God "why" this time. He had ask God "why" when our still birth daughter,Katie, was born. This time he didn't ask "why", because God had told him, "I Am".

"Mrs. Davis", said Dr. Huff". "Mrs. Davis, Mr. Davis' leukemia has come back, and there is nothing we can do for him. He has 2-3 days left."

There was a flood of emotions that swept over me. There were several other doctors in the room. They were all looking at me with sorrow on their faces. I wondered what my face looked like to them. Were they expecting me to faint, to fall apart, to scream, to start crying? I wanted to be brave and in command of my faculties. The hope that I had had all these months was gone. Just like that, my husband was going to die. It was a shock to hear those words. My knees went weak, even though I was sitting, my stomach started churning and tears welled up in my eyes.

I looked at the doctor and said, "Oh, my. I don't think I can tell him because I might cry. You'll have to tell him."

We went to his bedside. I was standing next to her with my hand on Brent's hand. "Mr. Davis"?, she said softly and with compassion. He looked directly into her eyes. "Your leukemia has come back and there's nothing we can do." "There's nothing you can do?", Brent said. "No, Mr. Davis, there's nothing we can do." With acceptance and knowing that God had chosen to take him Brent said, "Well, okay then." I ask him if he was afraid. His response was, "I don't know."

I called his parents first, my oldest daughter at work, and then my sister. I sat with him for awhile. Rhonda, the chaplain, came in and prayed with me and for Brent. Now, I had to go back to the apartment and tell my children Samuel, age 14 and Abigail, age 8 that their father wasn't going to live. Telling them that, was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Cooking

Abigail and I watched the Food Network's, "The Next Food Network Star" marathon today. The contestants have been tested not only on their ability to prepare and cook food, but also on their knowledge of food, presentation, marketing skills, ability to cook anywhere and to show why they should be the next Food Network Star. Gosh, I couldn't make it as a Food Network Star! To much pressure for me. For years I've been the star of my own cooking show, "Momma's Home Cooking at Home". Like most of you I am my family's favorite cook.

I started cooking when I was eleven. My mother taught me to make homemade pie crust, to use fresh apples from the tree, and mace was the spice my mother used in her apple pies. By the time I was thirteen I had made Thanksgiving Dinner with all the homemade pies, cakes, ham and turkey with dressing and side dishes. I met Brent and started cooking for him. He liked all kinds of foods and would always ask me, "Can you make ______? Is it hard to make?" Cooking is not hard, some things just take a little more time to prepare. I enjoyed cooking for him. He appreciated my cooking and would certainly let me know if it wasn't my best.

He loved biscuits and I tried all our married life to get that RIGHT biscuit. I never could. Oh, they were pretty good and I never had to throw them out. Of all the biscuits I've ever eaten I will say the blue ribbon winner of biscuit making is my friend, Trina Pearl. Her biscuits are light and flaky and so yummy.

For many years Brent hunted and fished. I've cooked squirrel, coon, dove, deer and elk ( a gift from a neighbor) and different fresh water fish. We went the whole foods route where I made whole wheat bread from wheat berries that I would grind with my mill. We bought organic foods, had our own vegetable garden, raised rabbits for meat, chickens for eggs and goats for milk. We tried all kinds of diets. The Atkins diet, Whole Wheat Bread and Potato diet, Mediterranean diet, Low fat diets, Suzanne Somers and many more.

Food was always an experience in the Davis household. Even when Brent was in the hospital receiving chemo and radiation treatments he was thinking about food. Chemo takes over a person's whole body. While destroying the cancer in our bodies the mind becomes confused, slow to remember the simplest things and destroys our sense of smell and taste. Brent was repulsed by the smell of styrofoam cups, straws, hand washing soap, hand sanitizer, and body lotions and perfume. Most days simple things were usually a hostile encounter for Brent leaving him to reject sources of nutrition.

It is common for patients who are going through chemo to be deeply entertained by cooking shows. They long for they can't have and so they watch TV and read about food. Brent couldn't get enough of cooking shows. He talked about all of the foods he would cook when we got back home. Of the four months we were in Baltimore at Johns Hopkins Hospital he was at the apartment for a total of about 3 weeks. One afternoon he was watching one of Paula Deen's cooking shows. She was making salmon patties and had used saltine crackers to roll the patties in before frying. He asked me to make him some just like the ones Paula made. They really hit the spot for him. The week he was at the apartment I made them three different times.

I never would have thought that my interest in cooking would have changed with Brent's death. I've found my enthusiasm for cooking has left me. Breakfast and lunch are individual choices for all of us. Occasionally I will make a big breakfast for Samuel's enjoyment. Abigail enjoys non-breakfast foods in the morning. Dinner is always a hot meal made from scratch. Abigail has become interested in cooking and will very often prepare dinner.

The Old Bridge

This old bridge holds many memories for me. Years ago our family would cross this bridge on our way into Memphis to see my grandparents and relatives. Daddy crossed the bridge on his way to work and so did I when I started working.

Twenty five or more years ago there were improvements made to the road along with giving it a new direction. The bridge was closed to traffic.

Brent was raised in the city, but had the heart of a country boy. He loved living in the country. The first couple of years that Brent and I were married we went fishing together, or Brent and my brother-in-law would go fishing or hunting. When Brent and Ronnie would go coon hunting my sister, Grace, and I would take turns going to each others house. We'd stay up until the boys got home from hunting. Sometimes it would be 2-3 am. We spent the time playing Scrabble, drinking coffee, cooking, watching TV, talking or cleaning house. My sister taught me how to cook those coons. It taste very much like beef roast. It is excellent cooked with sweet potatoes and gravy. Even our dogs, Bob (Grace & Ronnie's blue tick hound) and Tandy (our lab & pit bull mix), were the best of friends. They both went hunting with Brent and Ronnie.

Ronnie grew up in the area and knew all the places to hunt and fish. Brent and Ronnie were always on the lookout for new places to fish or hunt. The old bridge had a new job. It became the perfect fishing pier. One evening Brent, myself, Ronnie and Grace went fishing off the old bridge. We had chaise lounge chairs, a cooler of drinks, and a lot of fishing poles. Brent and Ronnie set out all the poles and dropped them in water. There were small bells on the poles. When we got a bite the bells would ring a small soft sound. We were after catfish. We sat there from sunset to about 3 am. It was a wonderful time. There is never much traffic on that road and after midnight I don't remember seeing or hearing any cars. We were relaxed, talking and having a great evening.























This photo, taken about 1983, is of Tandy on the right and her son, Bear. They were our children before Anna was born.

The next photo is of my brother-in-law, Ronnie, taken about 1983 with his dog, Bob, and some of the coon hides. Unlike most owners of hunting dogs, Ronnie raised his hunting dogs in his home. He never put them in pens only to be brought out at hunting time.

The last photo, taken in August 1982, is of Brent's catch from the pond on the back of the property. We ate good that night and had some to put in the freezer too!

Wonderful Comments About Brent

The photo above was taken in 2004 at Turkey Track Bluegrass Park in Waldron, Arkansas. We would go three times a year for about 10-11 days. Brent picked with his buddies for hours at a time 2-3 times a day. He loved it.

I'm posting comments from some of the emails that I have received this week. I'll put them in quotations and will keep the name of the person who sent the email private. I wanted to share how much Brent was loved and well thought of.

"I watched it all tonight. I loved that crazy guy and as I said before........I may never delete this ........some great shots.........of a great guy..........he will never die in our hearts and those of us who remain can only hope to live the kinda lives that make people feel about us the way we do Brent."

"Thank you for sharing this. When I first received it, I didn't open it right away, and I had to get in the right frame of mind to do so. I considered Brent a good friend, even though we didn't get to see each other that often. When we did, we had a ball. I loved Brent, and I trust that God is giving you and yours peace."

"I saw your slide show of Brent, it was so fun to see the early pictures of Brent. And so heartwarming to see him with each of the kids. (I thought you were a lovely bride) I know you have many happy memories. Hold tight to them. . .they will become more precious. Your entire family has been on my mind all weekend. We love and miss seeing you all."

"We went out to see Brent yesterday. It is such a pretty place. We sure do miss him."

"That was beautiful! I think about him all of the time, but I love to remember him in pictures...larger than life and lovin' you and the kids so much. He talked about that all of the time...you had a spell on him. I always thought that was how I wanted my husband to talk about me when I wasn't around. Wonderful.""I remember the first time I met Brent and there was just something about him that was special. He was a loving husband, loving father and a good example to all of us, even until the end. He never gave in to the anger and he always showed us how to overcome obstacles that sometimes can't be overcome...you have to put your faith in God and He will lead you. I admire
you and the kids for keeping Brent with us. You are an amazing woman and a great inspiration. I can see him now, smiling and thinking how proud he is of how you have carried on in his name. Thanks for sharing the pictures of his life and keep up the Lord's work. We will all sing together one day in heaven. May God bless you, Helen, and the kids. What a way to be remembered! He left quite a legacy and I am just glad we were able to meet all of you and share a part of your life."

"Thank you Helen. That made me laugh and cry. I sure do miss him."

"Thank you for sending the picture blog to me . I've had Brent on my mind along with the rest of you for several days. I was mowing the grass yesterday, that's when I unwind and just let my mind wander on it's own. My mind was filled with thoughts of Brent and all the conversations he and I had and the times we had together. I'm not much on show or expressing my emotions but I must tell you that I miss that man badly. I regret that I didn't have the chance to meet him earlier in life. But I do cherish the time I did have. Meeting him and you had an impact on my life that will go with me forever."

"I thought about him all day on Saturday. I knew it would be a tough day for you and we will certainly visit your blog. I can still hear him singing. We miss him and want you to know how much we loved him and still love your whole family."

"WOW...I'm wip'in away tears. He did more than most folks could ever dream of doing in his shortened life."

Brent and Cheeseburgers

The photo on the left is of Molly Elizabeth Campbell Davis, their son Louie, I mean, Santa, and Lancy Warren Davis. The half body is of Brent.

Brent loved eating cheeseburgers. He always liked to tell the story about the time he stayed with his grandfather, Lancy Warren Davis. Brent was young, under the age of 10. If I remember correctly, Uncle Don was in the hospital. Brent's grandmother, Molly Elizabeth Campbell Davis, was staying with Uncle Don, her son, in the hospital. Brent went to stay with his grandfather as company while Don and his grandmother were at the hospital. PawPaw, (Lancy) ask Brent what he wanted to eat that week. Brent told him he wanted to eat cheeseburgers and drink a coke everyday. They ate cheeseburgers and drank coke everyday!

Brent never got tired of eating them. At least once a week, Brent would grill them and I would on very rare occasions fry them. After Brent's death I noticed the mustard was lasting at least 6 months instead of a month and the pickles were not being eaten. I haven't bought pickles since before Brent died. I realized after his death that the kids and I were not eating cheeseburgers. The kids and I like them but we never think about having them. This week we've had cheeseburgers several times!

Brent

One year ago today, May 05, 2007 I lost my husband Brent to leukemia. We would have been married 26 years on May 16, 2007. The kids and I, his family and friends have missed him. He was a hard working man who loved and enjoyed his family. This week I will be showing you his life in photos. I have so many photos and it takes awhile to scan them. I will add slide shows during the week. I hope you will enjoy them.

My oldest daughter, Anna, and I were talking about him this evening. Our greatest time of saddest comes for both of us when we see MLG&W trucks. He worked for the utility company, MLG&W, for 19 years. He spent 3 years trying to get a job with them. I remember the day the lady from personal called to tell us he had the job. I cried tears of joy. It was in January of 1988. He was going to have to drive into town and do all the paperwork that was required. The Memphis area rarely gets snow, but that year there was about a foot of snow on the ground. We were so happy, yet apprehensive about his having to drive in that snow. He had been doing carpentry work for about 1-2 years trying to make ends meet. He and my brother-in-law, Ronnie, would go hunting and fishing to bring meat home. We also raised rabbits for meat, and had a vegetable garden. Our landlord had guineas and I'd gather the eggs. There were pear, apple and pecan trees on the property too. To help pay the rent he worked out a deal with our landlord to paint the houses on the property. Getting that job at MLG&W was a wonderful blessing. He worked the first 10 years on second shift. He was a mechanic for about 17 years and then transferred to the gas department. He worked at MLG&W and I worked at home caring for our children.

When I see those MLG&W trucks there are so many memories that come flooding back. He worked hard to support his family and never complained. He was the kind of man who could fix things at home. When the dryer didn't work he could repair it. He could till the soil for a garden, hunt and fish, repair our automobiles, build anything out of wood, and most importantly he was the spiritual leader of our home. Those trucks represent his willingness to work hard, to love, support, and care for his family.

Thinking of Brent

Brent has been in the forefront of my mind everyday since he died May 05, 2007. He's the first thing that comes to mind when I wake in the morning and my last thought at night before I drift off to sleep. Thoughts of him in all situations were fresh in my memory. Watching TV commercials or movies brought back conversations we'd had. I remembered where and what we were doing when we saw a particular movie, actors he liked and didn't like. When I was cooking dinner I would think about whether or not he would have enjoyed the meal. Listening to bluegrass songs filled my eyes with tears remembering how hard he worked to learn to play the mandolin and to learn to sing harmony. The last five years of his life playing bluegrass were his happiest.

Last Sunday I was cleaning house preparing for the Mother's Dinner on Tuesday evening. I was busy most of the day. Late afternoon I realized that I hadn't thought of him. I questioned if he were my first thought when I woke that morning. I couldn't remember. I wasn't upset but realized he was not in the forefront of my mind. It was as if the first folder in the filing cabinet labeled BRENT, had been moved back one space. Now, I realize that Brent is being pushed to the back of my mind. The saddest that I have felt, the clear, fresh memories of him lying in the hospital bed fighting for his life, are beginning to go away. For a while I wanted to look at the photos I took of him while he was at Johns Hopkins. Looking at photos of him from years ago left me brooding and forlorn. Now, those photos bring immense joy of the 26 years we had together.

When meeting new people I so want to be able to "show him off". He's not here for me to do that. But, I can bring honor to his memory and hopefully show him off through my blog. Not to make him a martyr or to put him on a pedestal, but to show how one man can love God, his wife, family, friends and how much he enjoyed living.

Twilight

The photo above shows you what I saw most of the days I was in Baltimore. From my bedroom window at the apartment I could look out over the harbor at sunset. The sky would be varying shades of pink, orange or gray. I would stand and watch the light of the sun fade into darkness. My favorite time was at twilight where you could still see the cars, buildings and ships clearly. The lights on the cars, ships and buildings were beginning to light up. You could see their reflections against the water and the streets. I enjoyed that scene day after day knowing it was my gift from God.

After Brent died I could reminisce about the previous year and bring to mind he was at work, talking to his friends on the phone, working in the yard, playing his mandolin, or getting ready for a band performance. Those memories brought joy to my heart. Now, as I remember the previous year the memories coming to my mind are heartbreaking. I think of how hard he was working to over come his leukemia. He was brave and didn't complain. He was fighting for his life. A life he knew was given to him by God, to be used for His glory. He was ready to leave this world if that's what God wanted. He was comfortable with that. His tears came realizing that death meant he was leaving me and the kids behind. When we were in the hospital room telling him goodbye his words of comfort to us were that "everything is going to be okay". His words were a source of consolation, and hope for our future. This was our twilight with Brent.

Memories Bring Sadness and Joy

This photo of Brent and Samuel was taken in February 1994. Samuel liked to be involved in everything Brent was doing.

Brent. I think about him everyday. I watch a movie and remember the first time we saw it together. Commercials bring back memories of our making fun of them, as well as the food I prepare. He could pick the best midnight snacks. I catch myself speaking of him in the present tense. Do I say "my" children or "our" children? He "liked" not he "likes" or some such phrase comes to mind. For several months after his death all I could see were imagines of him his hospital room. Now, my mind goes to happy and pleasant thoughts of him. Sadness washes over me and makes me feel so alone. Alone? Oh, I'm not alone. My children are always near and there are friends to call. Thankfully, I am an optimistic person and the sadness does not stay for long.

Last Sunday the kids and I went to a Sorghum Hill band practice. Tim, the banjo player was ill and they asked Samuel to come and play banjo. It was a great afternoon. Phil, lead singer and guitar player, had written three songs inspired by Brent. He sang them for me. Oh, I cried and it felt so good to cry. The songs are beautiful. The bands latest CD has been dedicated to Brent. One dollar for each CD sold will be donated to the Leukemia Society. They loved Brent so much and miss him.

Brent, Happy 50th Birthday

Brent Lee Davis, December 21, 1957 - May 05, 2007.

Christmas 2000

Wild Cherries

One summer Brent asked me if I would like to make some wild cherry jelly. Why would he ask me that you ask? He knew I liked canning. He also knew I enjoyed giving homemade jellies at Christmas time. With no hesitation I said yes. He offered to pick them and to help me pit them. Brent trekked off to the back of the property with a one gallon ice cream bucket. About an hour later he returned with a full gallon of pea sized wild cherries. I had a big smile of my face. It was so sweet of him to think of the idea and to me, it was romantic. He always did say I was a low maintenance wife! Living off the land, making do, and not spending much money on food or entertainment appeals to me. We stood in the kitchen and washed the cherries and pitted them. We talked about his adventure. Some of those cherries were high in the trees and hard to get, he walked in bramble, and all that picking only gave us a gallon. We talked about how good that wild cherry jelly would taste. We stood side by side and talked about other things as well. I made the jelly and came out with one case of 12 jars either 6 or 8 ounce jars. I gave a few to friends and we ate the rest. When I pulled out that last jar of wild cherry jelly I remembered what a pleasant time we had. Today I still remember what a wonderful day that was.

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24

Mowing The Lawn

Mowing the lawn is a pleasant experience for me. The last time I cut grass was sometime during the summer of 2005. We were living at our home on Rankin Branch at the time. We moved in with my father in March 2006. Brent and Sam mowed the lawn. I was to busy taking care of Daddy. Sam has mowed this year. The lawn needed some tender loving care. It was great. When I'm on that riding mower my mind has time to think.

Growing up my father used a push mower to cut the grass. When my brother was old enough he mowed the lawn. I moved away from home having never cut the grass at my parents home. The memories of my childhood came flooding back to me. We had a swing. A metal pipe frame with two swings and a bar to hang from. There were three spots over the years where we burned our trash. I can remember playing on the large propane tank pretending it was a horse. The two maple trees in the front yard were planted when I was 11 years old. I do have a photograph, taken of me sitting front of that maple tree as a young girl. I'll try to find it, scan it and insert it in this post. The old oak tree where we had a tree house still stands. We've had family reunions in the front yard, sunbathed, and played under the gutters when it rained.

When I was 13 I ask my mother if I could have the house when she and Daddy died. She and Daddy remembered my request. My mother passed February 27, 1993. Daddy continued to live in the house. My sister and I decided that Daddy either needed someone to live with him or needed to live in a nursing home. On March 13, 2006 Grace found Daddy laying across the kitchen table. He could not sit down or stand up. Grace called 911. He had not broken any bones, but he was really sore. His dementia was very noticeable. Between the dementia and the soreness of his ribs he had to have someone stay with him. Grace and I took turns staying with him. Daddy had several more falls. The time had come to make the decision of our lives. Brent told me he would support whatever decision I made. Taking care of Daddy at home was what I wanted. Brent, the kids and I moved in with Daddy on March 23, 2006. In hindsight I can see how God was moving in our lives. We sold our home and were now living in a home that was paid for. For 8 months I took care of Daddy until he passed away on November 10, 2006.

My care giving shifted from Daddy to Brent. During all this time my body was going through menopause. The first day of my last period was May 03, 2006. May 03, 2007 I had not had a period in one year. Menopause! It was also the day we found out Brent's leukemia had come back. God's timing is perfect. My husband died, but God was taking care of me and the children. We had a home that was paid for, I was through menopause and Brent had insurance, a pension and social security to take care of us. Brent was always thankful for his job which provided great benefits. With a hospital bill of around $360,000.00 my payment in the end was $808.00.

Thank you for Lord for my husband Brent. Thank you Brent for your love and support. Thank you for your hard work through the years. Thank you for telling me to drive the lawn mower slowly through tall grass at the highest setting so I wouldn't burn the motor or the belt. Thank you for telling me I need to check the oil in the mower. Thank you that I know where to go if I need work done on the mower. Thank you for helping me to understand why I need to save the paperwork on the mower. Thank you Brent for cutting Betty Ingram's yard. She loved you so much. You came at a time when she and Maurice needed you. Maurice couldn't take care of the yard anymore after his stroke. They trusted you. After Maurice died you continued to cut her grass. You would stay afterwards and talk with her and let her cry on your shoulder. She still misses Maurice. When she needed help with things around the house you would help her. Thank you for being an example to the children on the importance of helping widows. Thank you Lord that Brent and I talked about these things. Thank you that I was able to tell him how important he was to Betty.

Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy.
Instruct them to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share,
storing up for themselves the treasure of a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is life indeed.

1 Timothy 6:17-19

Light To My Path

God's plan for Brent's life on this earth was completed on Saturday, May 05, 2007 at 11:55 AM at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, MD. He was 49 years old. We would have been married 26 years on May 16, 2007. I could ask, "Why God?" "Why did you take my husband from me, and the children's father." The answer is because God said, "I am."

December 28, 1996 Brent and I had a still birth daughter, Katherine Irene Shirley "Katie" Davis. Brent took the news extremely hard. He did not want to talk about it. Every time he did he would get a terrible headache. He would ask God why did he take Katie. He just could not understand.
Brent was diagnosed with CMML leukemia on Monday, June 26, 2006. Of course, we felt as if we had been hit with a two by four. There were so many questions we wanted to ask the doctor, but did not know where to start. Brent did ask the question, "Why God?" Brent told me that God's answer to him was, "I am." He accepted God's plan for his life. He said that whatever God chose to do with his life he would accept. He did not want to leave me and the children but he knew God's plan was perfect for us.

From June 26, 2006 to May 05, 2007 Brent enjoyed as many moments as he could. He continued to play bluegrass music, spent time with me and the children, went fishing with his friend Larry, and talked with his family and friends. Depression would hit him some days but it did not last long. He lived each day that God gave to him.

Now, I wake each day knowing that God gave me a new day. Brent would want it that way.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23