A Brief Moment

He walked up to the door wearing a blue jacket the color of his favorite basketball team. As he pulls open the door he turns slightly in my direction. We wave a friendly hello. We have both come to pick up our children from the lockin. He stands just inside the door, not venturing very far. He's looking for his children. Many of the children are in the back room where they've been watching a movie or have been climbing the rock wall. They come pouring out of the room, some of them are walking, while others run. I see his children come out of the back room. It's his little girl that I see first. She's so cute wearing her red outfit of stripped red and white pants and a red top. Her blond curls are pulled back in a small pony tail on top, while the rest of her hair is down. She stops for a moment at the desk and then starts up again. Daddy and daughter see one another. She runs to him with a sweet smile on her face. He bends down, ready to grab her up into his arms. There's a brief conversation as he picks her up. She's so happy to see her Daddy. I smile at this brief moment in time that only took a couple of minutes. A moment where the details will be forgotten, but the feelings of love and security will remain with her.

These are the moments when I miss Brent the most. There is no more chance to make memories. We must remember the ones we have. Make memories with your loved ones. You'll cherish them when they are gone.

Brent

I've been thinking a lot about Brent these past few weeks. I suppose it's because it was this time of year that we were in Baltimore at Johns Hopkins Hospital. We were there from January to May of 2007. People ask me how did I do it. It was the grace of God that got me through each day. It was also the prayers from the saints and the support of friends and family. I knew it would only be for a season in my life. From March 2006 until November 2006 I cared for my Daddy. He was in the bed and had to taken care of 24/7. It was a decision that I will never regret. I had Brent's support as well as that of my sister, Grace. It was in June 2006 that we found out Brent had leukemia. I was a caregiver of the two most important men in my life. God prepared a path for me and I was ready. It's not something you choose, but you do it because it needs to be done.

The most stress I felt during that time was when I was trying to figure out how I was going to take care of Daddy here in Millington and be with Brent in Baltimore. Brent was supposed to fly to Baltimore on November 26, 2006. Daddy was weak and his time was near. Brent had to have a caregiver while he was at Johns Hopkins. JH stressed the importance of care giving during bone marrow transplants. The Lord was gracious and took Daddy on November 10th. I was free to be with Brent. The day Brent was to fly to Baltimore (November 26th) he wasn't feeling good. I called the transplant floor at JH and they told Brent not to come, but to see his doctor. Brent did and was admitted to the hospital here in Memphis. His leukemia had come back.

He was in the hospital from November 30th till December 21st, his birthday. So many friends came by to see him. They showed him their love, prayed for him, and supported our family. It was the first time I had to leave my children on their own. Many families are used to having their children let themselves in the house after school and wait until Mom and Dad get home from work. I had never been in that position. I would spend the night with Brent and leave my children alone at home. Of course, my sister lives next door and it's a short walk through the woods. Our oldest daughter, Anna, had moved back to Millington and she was able to check on the children. Samuel was 14 and Abigail was 8. I'd come home every couple of days and check on them. We talked on the phone and they could talk to Brent, but it wasn't the same. They could have stayed with Brent's parents, but they wanted the security of home. There were a few times when they would spend the night with Brent at the hospital. It is true that God never gives you more than you can bear. I guess it's how you choose to react to what He gives you.

Brent was out of the hospital and happy to be home. He put in a new sub floor in the bathroom, a toilet and tile. He was worn out, but happy to be doing something.

The first week in January 2007, Brent started feeling pain in his arms. I told him he had done to much work with the bathroom floor and that the metal rebar he had bought and lifted into and out of the truck had put a strain on his arms. He was also having trouble with his vision. He was scheduled to fly to Baltimore again on January 8th to proceed with his bone marrow transplant. On Saturday, January 6th all of his bluegrassin' friends had a Brent-A-Fit to raise money for him. Our friends, Cedar Hill Bluegrass, came down to play at his benefit. All his pickin' buddies who had bands performed. Brent played with all his former Loosahatchie Grass band members and with some of the other bands. He truly was overwhelmed at the out pouring of love that was being shown. He was in a lot of pain that day and his vision was horrible, but you wouldn't have known it. On Sunday the 7th he felt like something was really wrong. All he could say was, "I'm not calling them to tell them how I feel. I'm GOING to Baltimore for my transplant." He left on Monday and I was so worried about him. My brother, Joe, picked him up at the airport in Baltimore. My brother barely recognized him. Joe took him to the apartment. Brent called me and we talked a long while. The next morning he could barely get out of bed. He was confused. I felt helpless. I tried to help him by long distance by getting on the Internet and looking up numbers for taxi cabs. Frustrated, he finally he said he would walk. I told him to call as soon as he got to the hospital. It was about 15 minutes, but it seemed to take forever. His sister, Elizabeth, was at JH. She was his donor. He saw his doctor who had some test run and found that his leukemia came back in his spine and his brain. No wonder he felt so awful. I had planned to fly up with the children in a couple of weeks. I was going to get things settled at home and then we'd go up. I flew up on Wednesday the 10th and left my children alone again. This time Anna and Mike moved in and stayed with them for about 2-3 weeks until Brent's sister, Debbie, was able to fly with them to Baltimore. It was Samuel and Abigail's first time to fly.

The only person I knew in Maryland was my brother, Joe. He lived about an hour from Baltimore. He wasn't able to pick me up that day so I took a taxi. Because Brent's bluegrassin' friends had been so generous I was able to pay for the taxi ride. I had the driver take me directly to the hospital. Brent and I were so happy to see each other. I spent all day with him, but night fell and it was time for me to go the apartment. JH has a shuttle service and they were able to take me to the apartment. I walked up the steps to the apartment building not knowing what life would be like. There was no food, Brent had eaten the snack box left as a welcoming gift by the apartment. There was water and coffee. I would take the shuttle or walk the 3 blocks to the hospital. Only to be walked to in the day and NEVER at night. If Brent didn't eat his meals I would eat them. In the evenings when I left the hospital I would take a carton of milk and cereal from the food pantry, so I would have something to eat when I woke up the next morning. After a few days of getting adjusted to hospital life I learned where the cafeteria was. It was huge, they even had a Subway in there. The cafeteria was open 24/7.

But, there were some angels waiting for me. I'll tell you their names. Arty, Sue, Lola, Rhonda, Paula, Mike and Jennifer. They deserve a special note just for them. They may not even realize how special they were.

What have I learned from this experience? I learned that God's grace is sufficient for me and that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. I can function and preserver through trials and come out the other side having gained character I would not otherwise have. I know that I can be a caregiver and not doubt myself. That life without friends would be hard. To never say NEVER. That my life changed for the better the day I married Brent. I learned that my children and I will be okay. I am not the only one who had a husband who had cancer and died. God does prepare the way. You can make friends in the most unlikely places. Born and raised in the South I learned that people in the North can be kind and compassionate. A smile can make a difference in people's lives. Life is precious and short and being bored is not an option. Finally, when it comes down to it having a relationship with your husband and your children in most important. The words you say to one another are more important than how much money you make, what kind of job you have, where you go on vacation, the kind of house you live in, and what you drive. None of those things makse a difference when you realize you are about to lose someone. What you say, and how you show your love, means more than anything.

All that about me, but what about Brent. He was courageous, rarely complained, and had a good attitude. His friends called him, sent cards, and some came all that way to visit with him. I lost count at the number of bone marrow biopsies, chemo injections to his head, other chemo and radiation to his head. He could have whined all day every day, but he didn't. He said this was his new job, getting well from leukemia. He was respected and well liked by the nurses who cared for him. He was valiant in the fight for his life.

Helen

American Girl, Mia

Abigail saved her money and decided to buy an American Girl doll named Mia. She received her late this afternoon. She's been quite in room most of the evening. She came walking into the living room with her new doll. I noticed Mia was wearing a cute little beret. I thought she had found it in her extra doll clothes. I ask her where she found it. She crocheted it herself! I told her I was amazed and proud of her. We talked about how many different colors she could use. She started thinking about all the other things she could crochet.


Abigail is self motivated and interested in so many things. She is the adventurer in the family. She is always looking for new craft ideas, full of questions, helpful, kind and generous to those in need. She's a true blessing!

Depression

Loneliness and depression cling to me like a straight jacket. I fight it and it doesn't go away. Loneliness burdens my soul, longing for that which was. I've been feeling this way for about 6 weeks.

I remember a conversation I had with my Daddy years ago. I was single and was lonely. I had lots of friends and plenty of activities. Daddy told me there was a difference between being lonely and being alone. I don't mind being alone. I enjoy my company, I like the person I am, the person God created me to be. Daddy suggested I go to church and become involved in a singles ministry. I didn't take his advice. Instead, I fell in love with Brent and we got married. The feelings of being lonely were gone. I had someone to share my thoughts with, someone to love me for who I was, someone who was proud of me. We helped each other with our weaknesses and used our strengths to be what we would become. Now, I'm feeling that lonely feeling again after all these years.

Brent has been gone nearly 18 months. I've gone on with my life making decisions by myself, caring for our children, and finding new ways to give purpose to my life. I have grieved the loss of my dearest Brent. I have believed that I breezed through my grief. Give me an A+. Brent and I talked about his death, our acceptance of what God had planned for our lives. Neither Brent or myself felt anger towards God. One of us had to be the first to go. There is a purpose for each of us and when that purpose is finished we go home to eternity.

There are several stages of grief: shock or disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance/hope. Not everyone experiences all of these and they can occur in any order. I'm stuck on depression. If you have noticed I haven't written on my blog in quite awhile. I haven't wanted to write anything. I've been going through the motions of life. I've been volunteering at hospice, caring for Sam and Abigail, feeding the animals, Tae Kwon Do occasionally, Mother's Dinners, family dinners at my in-laws, watching Anna and Mike built a fence and barn for Anna's horse, and remodeling projects around the house. Most of the time I stare at the TV watching HGTV, doing laundry by washing the same load over and over again 'cause I can't seem to take it out of the washer to put in the dryer! I think of things I'd like to do such as write on my blog, fix up those shadow boxes for Brent, Momma and Daddy, scan photos, do genealogy, make scrapbooks, go through all my mail that's piling up, write letters (the real ones written in long hand and sent through the United States Postal Service) to the young service men I know, notes of encouragement to people who come to my mind, and to read my Bible and renew my mind in God's word. Do you imagine that I am dressed in my housecoat crying my eyes out all day? Well, the answer to that would be no. Being a happy person 95% of the time I wouldn't want anyone to know I'm depressed. But, I must face depression head on and tell you, my reader, that I am depressed. There is no shame in admitting it to you. I actually feel better. I can't count the number of times I've started to write about my feelings and could not get past one sentence.

My depression always shows in how I keep house. Right now, this very moment, my house is a wreck. Clutter everywhere, dishes all over the kitchen counters, bed unmade, laundry piled high, unopened mail and I haven't had a shower today. Most of the time my depression would not allow to me indulge in writing. I would feel guilty about writing and having a messy house. So, I would stop writing and then do nothing about the house. I don't like being depressed and am determined to walk, talk and write myself out of it with your help. Your help? Yes, you. You are helping me, by reading what I write.

My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud; my voice rises to God, and He will hear me. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord; in the night my hand was stretched out without weariness; my soul refused to be comforted. When I remember God, then I am disturbed; When I sigh, then my spirit grows faint. Selah. You have held my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I have considered the days of old, the years of long ago. I will remember my song in the night; I will meditate with my heart, and my spirit ponders: Will the Lord reject forever? And will He never be favorable again? Has His lovingkindness ceased forever? Has His promise come to an end forever? Has God forgotten to be gracious, or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion? Selah. Then I said, "It is my grief, that the right hand of the Most High has changed." I shall remember the deeds of the LORD; surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will meditate on all Your work and muse on Your deeds. Your way, O God, is holy; What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; You have made known Your strength among the peoples. You have by Your power redeemed Your people, The sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah. The waters saw You, O God; The waters saw You, they were in anguish; The deeps also trembled. The clouds poured out water; The skies gave forth a sound; Your arrows flashed here and there. The sound of Your thunder was in the whirlwind; The lightnings lit up the world; the earth trembled and shook. Your way was in the sea and Your paths in the mighty waters, and Your footprints may not be known. You led Your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron. Psalm 77

I am sustained by God's mercies. It is His strength which provides a solid rock for me to stand upon. When I am quite I hear His voice. Cease striving and know that I am God; Psalm 46:10a
I'm not the only one who has lost a loved one. There have been several of my friends who have lost a spouse/mother/father since Brent's death. I hope that in some way what I have written and the scripture that I have shared will speak to their hearts.
Behold the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hoped in Thee. Psalm 33:18-22.

You can't have joy without sorrow, or highs without lows. Depression, even for those who are not grieving the loss of a loved one, can isolate us and make us all feel lonely. Encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today"....Hebrews 3:13.

I miss Brent's daily presence in my life, but am thankful for the wonderful memories he left behind.

Here are some quotes for you:
“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate”, Germaine Greer

People who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about. Author: Anton Checkov

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

“Living the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causes you to bump into people not going your way”
Edna Ferber quotes (American novelist, short-story writer, and playwright 1887-1968)

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. Author: Vincent Van Gogh

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

A human life is a story told by God. ~Hans Christian Andersen

To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die. ~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains. ~Kahlil Gibran

Good-night! good-night! as we so oft have said
Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days
That are no more, and shall no more return.
Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed;
I stay a little longer, as one stays
To cover up the embers that still burn.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity. ~William Penn

Helen Currie Davis
Monday, November 03, 2008

Unknown Super Powers

Lucy, our Boxer. She's always been strange!

There's been a whole lot painting going on around here. Grace and I have been painting the living/dining/kitchen area. We both agree that it has been at least 25 years since the ceiling and wall above the paneling has been painted. We rolled the paint on and it was sucked up by the paint like a sponge! During the 17 months since Brent's death, Grace and I have moved furniture back and forth doing projects around the house more times than I care to remember. Grace is a great project manager. A little here, a little there and the old home is looking much better. We painted the doors to the outside, I've had new windows installed, central heating and air installed, painted bedrooms, had an old lamp rewired, installed California style closets in the bedrooms, bought a dishwasher, new kitchen sink, some new kitchen cabinets, and decluttered. Grace and I went to Johnson's Fabrics and bought fabric to recover some furniture. There are still many things left to do, but we'll get to them one at a time.

Tae Kwon Do

Abigail tested for her brown/black belt in Tae Kwon Do on September 19, 2008. She's getting close to that black belt. The video is of Abigail doing her pattern during her testing.

Birthdays

Samuel and Abigail both had birthdays in September. Samuel requested a brownie ice cream dessert and pepperoni pizza. Abigail wanted to go to Sekisui, a Japanese restaurant. We invited Anna and Mike to come along. It was a nice evening. We all had the fried rice. Anna, Abigail and I had shrimp and sirloin. Mike had chicken and Samuel had the lobster and sirloin. I believe Samuel could eat his weight in seafood.

Brent used to take a day off from work on the kids birthdays. When the kids were younger we did not always have a lot of money to buy them gifts, so he gave himself.

Dinner Is Ready

You've worked hard all day either at school, in the yard, or your place of employment. You're driving home wondering what's for dinner. Arriving home you get out of the car exhausted. The walk to the front door takes forever. Opening the door your senses come alive with the smells and aromas of the dinner you will soon eat. The one who prepared that dinner fixes your plate and you sit down to eat. You feel loved and the food taste so good. When I came home from school my mother would be in the kitchen preparing dinner. Everything was from scratch. She made homemade rolls, homemade pies, and assorted cakes that all melted in your mouth. I miss eating my mother's meals. When Brent came home from a hard day at work I too had dinner ready. When I go to a friends house to eat dinner, it is always a pleasure and a treat for my senses.

All of these thoughts came to me last Tuesday when I came in from mowing 5 acres of grass. Abigail had prepared a delicious dinner. Broiled Flatiron Steak, Roasted Potatoes, Broccoli and a Green Tossed Salad. I teased Abigail and ask if she was going to fix my plate. She did and I sat down to eat it. The steak was moist and tender, the potatoes nicely browned with the flavor of garlic, rosemary and olive oil. The broccoli was cooked al dente and the salad was crisp.

Turkeys

These young turkeys crossed my driveway on July 21st. There were about 15 of them peeping while following their mother into the woods. I was slowly driving up the driveway trying to get close enough to get a good shot. I've tried several times to upload a longer video clip, but it takes hours and hours. I decided to upload the shorter clip. You can clearly see one of the turkeys, but if you look closely you'll see one or two more going into the woods.

Every day I wonder what I will see crossing the field in the front. I've seen deer, turkeys, foxes, rabbits and a variety of birds. One day I watched a hawk on the ground for nearly 10 minutes. He walked around looking at the ground. Sometimes he would would stand and do nothing. I'm used to them swooping down to catch their prey, not standing or walking around.

I feel blessed to see God's creatures in my front yard. There is joy every time I see one of His creatures. When I see a "nature moment" I feel so special. Nature moments for me have been seeing a butterfly lay an egg, birds feeding their young, seeing a hawk catch it's prey, seeing two spiders mate, watching a king snake eat another snake, and having a hummingbird feed on the feeder while my hand was next to it

Watch Where You Mow

Brent always told me to watch where I mow. Well, I got to close to this rug. Big mistake. Thankfully I had finished mowing the lawn. I was going to use the hydraulic jack to jack the mower. It started to rain so I stopped. I will get back out there after the rain and the ground drys up. I'll have to cut it out. It's a good thing I looked under the deck. Now I know why the mower is not cutting properly. The tip on one of the blades has a cut in it. No telling what I hit to make such a big cut.

No need getting all upset about it. The grass is cut. The rain from Gustav will soon pass.

Sorghum Hill

Sorghum Hill played the Frog Hollow Bluegrass Festival in Grenada, Mississippi on Friday, August 29th and Saturday, August 30th, 2008. Here they are on Friday evening getting a little practice before the show. Andrea singing, Larry on bass, Phil on guitar, Sam on banjo, and Jessie on fiddle.

Larry and Candice and myself pulled our campers to Frog Hollow Campground. The band members spent the night in our campers. Camping at bluegrass festival is the best way to enjoy what's happening.

Swallowtail Butterfly

I hope you enjoy this brief video of the Swallowtail butterfly. I think that it is an Eastern Swallowtail (genus: Papilio) although, I'm not sure about it.

Buzz To The Rescue

Buzz Lightyear? No. Buzz to the Rescue, not the book. My friend, Buzz. Right man for the right job. I wanted to hook my camper up because I have an appointment in the morning for new tires and to have my bearings packed with grease. One of the pins used to hold the sway bar in place was missing. I made my third trip into town today (ouch) to find a pin. I bought one and brought it home. Samuel said it would not work. I ask him to try. Of course, it did not work. It was already 7:30 pm and it was getting dark. I called Buzz and told him the problem I was having. He said to come on over and he would see what he could do. A machinist by trade, Buzz can make anything from metal. We went to his shop and after a couple of trys he made me another pin. I wish I would have had my camera. It was pretty cool to watch.

When I got home Samuel was curious as to how we would hook up the camper. I showed him both pins. He looked at them and said, "He made that?".

Thank you Buzz for helping me out. Thank you Joan for loaning me your husband! I appreciate it.