Loneliness and depression cling to me like a straight jacket. I fight it and it doesn't go away. Loneliness burdens my soul, longing for that which was. I've been feeling this way for about 6 weeks.
I remember a conversation I had with my Daddy years ago. I was single and was lonely. I had lots of friends and plenty of activities. Daddy told me there was a difference between being lonely and being alone. I don't mind being alone. I enjoy my company, I like the person I am, the person God created me to be. Daddy suggested I go to church and become involved in a singles ministry. I didn't take his advice. Instead, I fell in love with Brent and we got married. The feelings of being lonely were gone. I had someone to share my thoughts with, someone to love me for who I was, someone who was proud of me. We helped each other with our weaknesses and used our strengths to be what we would become. Now, I'm feeling that lonely feeling again after all these years.
Brent has been gone nearly 18 months. I've gone on with my life making decisions by myself, caring for our children, and finding new ways to give purpose to my life. I have grieved the loss of my dearest Brent. I have believed that I breezed through my grief. Give me an A+. Brent and I talked about his death, our acceptance of what God had planned for our lives. Neither Brent or myself felt anger towards God. One of us had to be the first to go. There is a purpose for each of us and when that purpose is finished we go home to eternity.
There are several stages of grief: shock or disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance/hope. Not everyone experiences all of these and they can occur in any order. I'm stuck on depression. If you have noticed I haven't written on my blog in quite awhile. I haven't wanted to write anything. I've been going through the motions of life. I've been volunteering at hospice, caring for Sam and Abigail, feeding the animals, Tae Kwon Do occasionally, Mother's Dinners, family dinners at my in-laws, watching Anna and Mike built a fence and barn for Anna's horse, and remodeling projects around the house. Most of the time I stare at the TV watching HGTV, doing laundry by washing the same load over and over again 'cause I can't seem to take it out of the washer to put in the dryer! I think of things I'd like to do such as write on my blog, fix up those shadow boxes for Brent, Momma and Daddy, scan photos, do genealogy, make scrapbooks, go through all my mail that's piling up, write letters (the real ones written in long hand and sent through the United States Postal Service) to the young service men I know, notes of encouragement to people who come to my mind, and to read my Bible and renew my mind in God's word. Do you imagine that I am dressed in my housecoat crying my eyes out all day? Well, the answer to that would be no. Being a happy person 95% of the time I wouldn't want anyone to know I'm depressed. But, I must face depression head on and tell you, my reader, that I am depressed. There is no shame in admitting it to you. I actually feel better. I can't count the number of times I've started to write about my feelings and could not get past one sentence.
My depression always shows in how I keep house. Right now, this very moment, my house is a wreck. Clutter everywhere, dishes all over the kitchen counters, bed unmade, laundry piled high, unopened mail and I haven't had a shower today. Most of the time my depression would not allow to me indulge in writing. I would feel guilty about writing and having a messy house. So, I would stop writing and then do nothing about the house. I don't like being depressed and am determined to walk, talk and write myself out of it with your help. Your help? Yes, you. You are helping me, by reading what I write.
My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud; my voice rises to God, and He will hear me. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord; in the night my hand was stretched out without weariness; my soul refused to be comforted. When I remember God, then I am disturbed; When I sigh, then my spirit grows faint. Selah. You have held my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I have considered the days of old, the years of long ago. I will remember my song in the night; I will meditate with my heart, and my spirit ponders: Will the Lord reject forever? And will He never be favorable again? Has His lovingkindness ceased forever? Has His promise come to an end forever? Has God forgotten to be gracious, or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion? Selah. Then I said, "It is my grief, that the right hand of the Most High has changed." I shall remember the deeds of the LORD; surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will meditate on all Your work and muse on Your deeds. Your way, O God, is holy; What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; You have made known Your strength among the peoples. You have by Your power redeemed Your people, The sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah. The waters saw You, O God; The waters saw You, they were in anguish; The deeps also trembled. The clouds poured out water; The skies gave forth a sound; Your arrows flashed here and there. The sound of Your thunder was in the whirlwind; The lightnings lit up the world; the earth trembled and shook. Your way was in the sea and Your paths in the mighty waters, and Your footprints may not be known. You led Your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron. Psalm 77
I am sustained by God's mercies. It is His strength which provides a solid rock for me to stand upon. When I am quite I hear His voice. Cease striving and know that I am God; Psalm 46:10a
I'm not the only one who has lost a loved one. There have been several of my friends who have lost a spouse/mother/father since Brent's death. I hope that in some way what I have written and the scripture that I have shared will speak to their hearts.
Behold the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hoped in Thee. Psalm 33:18-22.
You can't have joy without sorrow, or highs without lows. Depression, even for those who are not grieving the loss of a loved one, can isolate us and make us all feel lonely. Encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today"....Hebrews 3:13.
I miss Brent's daily presence in my life, but am thankful for the wonderful memories he left behind.
Here are some quotes for you:
“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate”, Germaine Greer
People who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about. Author: Anton Checkov
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
“Living the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causes you to bump into people not going your way”
Edna Ferber quotes (American novelist, short-story writer, and playwright 1887-1968)
One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. Author: Vincent Van Gogh
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran
A human life is a story told by God. ~Hans Christian Andersen
To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die. ~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"
Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains. ~Kahlil Gibran
Good-night! good-night! as we so oft have said
Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days
That are no more, and shall no more return.
Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed;
I stay a little longer, as one stays
To cover up the embers that still burn.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity. ~William Penn
Helen Currie Davis
Monday, November 03, 2008
Abigail saved her money and decided to buy an American Girl doll named Mia. She received her late this afternoon. She's been quite in room most of the evening. She came walking into the living room with her new doll. I noticed Mia was wearing a cute little beret. I thought she had found it in her extra doll clothes. I ask her where she found it. She crocheted it herself! I told her I was amazed and proud of her. We talked about how many different colors she could use. She started thinking about all the other things she could crochet.
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